We Remember, Eh? What Valentines is Made Up Of …

That woman,  there … with the long white dress, the cross sewn into the train … she has my heart, and it will always be that way.  Those on both sides of the aisle show a glow, reflecting the beauty of  this bride, an elegant one.  Her countenance has a fragrance that reminds me of the Don Juan Rose.

She and I both remember, and reflect on from time to time, the trip to the airport, a few days before Christmas of 1994.  I had met her in October.  We went out a few times in November.  And in December, we both needed to fly out of Denver … and somehow our flights went out on the same day (different planes, different destinations).  So I had a good friend drive us both to DIA.  We followed the creed of Christmas travelers: arrive early; thus, the pre-flight java before one of us flew south, and the other flew north.  Less than six months later, we had a wedding.

A safe place.  A commitment to live well with each other, and to love well with each other, and to look ahead, for the big things, with each other.  Life is  harsh, and we fight for each other.  And we when we don’t see eye to eye, we fight with honor, with respect.  We parent together.  We rest from the storms, and we heal from the wounds, our stories have redemption.  For my amazing wife, Happy Valentines Day, my love.  I have had a place in my heart for folks who are in marriages that aren’t working.  So difficult, as they don’t always know whether to stay or to go.  A million dollar question for some is “Can this marriage be healed?”  And in some cases, the only right answer is get out of the marriage.  All of this is so difficult.  I hope the best for all.  We all need peace; we all need hope; we all need to be safe; and we all need to be loved well.

T

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Winter Happening, Just Outside

This was meant to go out a couple of days ago, but a case of “brain-freeze” got the best of me.  I recently emerged from the hellish cerebral blizzard.

Ice
Ice hanging out

4.6 (degrees) … farenheit … below the ZERO mark.  I’m low on mercury.  Snow blower earlier in the day, to get out.  With 4.6 degrees riding below the big zero, my thoughts froze up; for a moment I had no idea where I was.  Then, from somewhere toward the back wall of my brain, I heard a distant motor of the snow blower.  The sound became louder, gradually, and louder, and louder.  Then the heat from the handles mixed with the rude awakening of my rotors hitting a rock brought me back to some level of winterized coherency. 

Tree Green

I love Winter, and I hate Winter; and I love Winter.  I like Winter, at times.  At other times I don’t like it.  Outside with audacious, sharp, wind, there is some measure of invigoration: AWAKEN O SLEEPER !  Tree green, accentuated with snow; long, long icycles hanging on for dear life from the edges of the roof.  Ambivalence is strong when mercury is low, snow is deep.  Maybe it is more about this season in particular.

T Standing
T Standing

Tree green and snow

There has been loss, and everyone experiences loss at one time or another.  In some cases  loss is more of a bite.  This compilation, psychologically vicious.  I am moving, constantly moving, into the next step, into the next bend.  But I don’t think I am moving fast enough.  Healing is happening, some days.  Other days, its all frozen up, as if I had stopped moving in sub-zero temperature, and I stand in the cold, for what seems like years but may be only ten to fifteen minutes, and just listen.  I don’t know what I am listening for: maybe an answer; maybe a question that will get me closer to an answer; maybe for an idea that will bring some thaw, that will get me moving again, past the cold, the isolation, the pain of knowing that things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped.

The good news, for ALL of us, is that we still hope, even if some things don’t turn out the way we wanted.  Why wouldn’t we?

Fiddler? Is There a Fiddler Up On the Roof?

Tevye: As the good book says, when a poor man eats a chicken, one of them is sick.

Mendel: Where does the book say that?

Tevye: Well, it doesn’t say that exactly, but somewhere there is something about a chicken.

Fiddler on the Roof … 1971 … Its a great play.  Me and the family all have parts in the play … It’s getting closer, and we still don’t have it together.  I am Mendel, and I have some odd lines in response to the main character, Tevye; like the one above, about where the “book” says something about a poor man eating a chicken.

Fiddler on the Roof: maybe you have seen the movie, or the play, or maybe  you have not.  The story is quite different than most stories that you hear about in a play, or in a movie.  There is great pain for the community of folks who live in Anatevka.  The “Constable” is Russian and he has a number of goons with him all the time.  The Constable comes to tell Tevye, the leader of the comuunity, that they are being kicked off their land, out of Anatevka.  The people of Anatevka are heartbroken.  But one thing about the people of Anatevka is that they are resilient; they are tough people, and beautiful, and passionate.  Even through the conflict, the pain, the injustice.

Anyway, tonight I had someone take a picture of me, the Rabbi, and Lazar Wolfe.  I thought you just might enjoy it.

https://mail-attachment.googleusercontent.com/attachment/u/0/?view=att&th=143d1c45f8421769&attid=0.1&disp=inline&realattid=2ba19213aac9f976_0.1&safe=1&zw&saduie=AG9B_P9-5kxGNajB9OLDIACSgoaj&sadet=1390794046363&sads=TQjr-bOXARqux8xKu3J4JW0pOKs&sadssc=1

We are doing the play in February, in about 3 weeks, Wednesday / Thursday / Friday.  Friday is sold out; Thursday is close; but there are still some seats for Wednesday’s performance.

“BE GOOD” … OK, With Or Without Authenticity?

“Who are you?  Who? Who?” from the band “The Who”.  By the way: who are you, and who am I?

This excellent piece, below, came from a site http://www.mileychile.com.

take me as i am quotes: Take Me As I Am Quotes ~ mileychile.com Daily Inspiration

Once I have established who I am, a question comes from within, at times:

“Am I good enough?”  If my level of “good” defines who I am, then I’m up-creek without a laptop, without coffee, and without a paddle. “Being good” can be truly ambiguous.

Am I good?  Or am I good?

Yes, No.

Houston, we have a problem

Things are not always as clear as they seem.  I can be “good” and still have some issues.  “Challenges”, “opportunities”, and mistakes can come up; and I can still be “good”.   The wheels may be falling off; the car may need a transmission; my friend may be ticked off at me … but I can still be good. 

Plenty of examples, but one of my favorites is with Apollo 13.   Image to the left is from the link http://ecrc.nl/houston-we-have-a-problem/

Jim Lovell: “Houston, we’ve had a problem.”
CAPCOM 1: “This is Houston. Say again, please.”
Jim Lovell: “Houston, we have a problem.”

Astronauts Swigert, Lovell and Haise were definitely going for it, which is what we do, right?  When “a problem” emerged, things were ugly.  But, the mission wasn’t just the responsibility of those three wild men.  Other men, in Houston, were for them. 

http://history.nasa.gov/SP-350/ch-13-1.html    A photo of the Gold Team in Mission Control     Authenticity, in the midst of our struggle to be “good”, means being willing to have mistakes.  Authenticity means having some good folks you can walk with through this jaded, conflicted, addicted world … friends who are for you. 

“Things are not as bad as they seem.  Things are far more serious than what they appear.” Anonymous

keep-calm-and-tell-houston-we-have-a-problemI believe the human mind, the human soul, the human condition, can drive one to be so preoccupied with “being good”, which connects with being accepted, that we communicate this: “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it so I can ‘be good’ …” One issue with that approach to acceptance and identity, is that one’s inner peace may be contingent on someone else’s decision: “Are you good enough?  Are you performing the way I want you to perform?  Are you meeting MY needs?”

I actually believe that some individuals don’t care about inner peace.  For me, inner peace has great value.  If I have a problem, I will keep calm.  I will tell Houston that I have a problem.  I will deal with it.  And I can still be good in the process.


Backcountry Blogger, No blogging: Just Fire Mitigation

First day off in the last 8 days.  I’ve been in the back-country doing fire mitigation, with the exception of four days in the Park (Rocky Mountain National Park) where our team was hired to plant 20,000 plants.  This “planting” job is an adventure I don’t think I ever want to repeat, but if I was asked to go back again, who knows?  Currently we are working up in the Arapaho / Roosevelt National Forest just above an old mining town – – – Silver Plume, Colorado, current population 169.

We get to where we are working by railroad, usually a 5′ by 5′ square yellow rail car, pulling an equipment car (about 6′ long, 4′ wide), with 12″ rail bordering the cart, to keep equipment from sliding off.  Here is one picture that is definitely more of an experience to see if this will come through.

file:///Users/timdavis/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Originals/2013/Nov%207,%202013/IMG_1267.MOV

The fire mitigation can be described far better than me, because this is not what I do … as a career.  I am a writer, and a psychotherapist, and I enjoy picking up different jobs from time to time.  You may have to hit the link to see it.  I’m showing this, because when my daughter saw it, she laughed, and so did my wife.  I was trying to speak, an the train-horn plasted both times interrupting me.  Then I started thinking out loud about the train horn-blasts when the video  stopped.  Its been good to have a little time to catch-up on some excellent blogs / posts.

Well that is all for now, T

The Boy

*This post is written as a way of encouraging parents of special needs kiddos.  My (life) experience has more to do with mood disorders and neurological issues.

THE BOY …

is watched over by angels, and I do not have the energy or the intellect or the salesmanship to convince you of this.  Its something that I just know.  Some parents might relate to this mystery.

And God …

gives the boy favor.  In my imagination I can see the Wild Man upstairs, the same One who created the whole deal, smiling when He sees the boy laugh, or when He sees the boy do something that is beautiful.  In that same imagination I can the Wild Man upstairs become pensive, and almost weep, when He sees the pain of the boy … and when He sees the pain of the parents.

There is a guy, Gary Numan, who said:

Gary Numan I have a condition called Aspergers Quote

The above image is from http://www.lushquotes.com

Awakened

The Awakened Heart, by Gerald May, speaks of “Entering the Emptiness”.  I was reminded of the Desert when I read this chapter.  I thought of the Desert Fathers, those interesting sojourners who left town for the Scetes Desert in Egypt around 3 AD.  After laying the book down next to the reading chair, one of my understandings of The Awakened Heart and “Entering the Emptiness” was May’s focus: becoming awakened from numbness and captivity from “attachment” to items / areas / relationships (and etc.).

Leaving one realm for another, with the goal of positive / authentic / significant change in mind could be seen as (my words) leaving one emptiness (stuckness in the here and now) for another emptiness (the freedom that awaits).  Paradox, possibly?  The latter emptiness is where one finds an “awakened heart”; freedom, a redemptive shift in one’s journey, one’s story.

My intent is to return to shorter posts, so I will wrap this up.  The word “awakened” showed up this morning, “post-wake-up” mode.  After pushing through the barrier of making coffee, I searched out the prehistoric laptop, because I was compelled to write about the reality of being  “Awakened”.   What does this look like, for me to be awakened?  What does it look like for you to be awakened?  The threats of numbness, and negative attachment are relentless.  I hope to keep the idea of being awakened in the front of my mind.  I hope you find success with this endeavor, as I try to do the same.