This post is not about me. But if it was, I wouldn’t tell you. It’s about a man. That’s all that matters.
An angry man. Not something I say out loud to anyone.
People, both good people and the other kind, are able to translate, equate, restate, with differing degrees of inaccuracy. Example: “anger” misunderstood with “danger”. It is like that one exchange between folks that has been going on for centuries:
“This is what you said.”
“No, that is not what I said.”
“Well, that is what I heard you say.”
“Yes, I believe you. But those were not my words, were they?”
“(Long pause) No, but that is what you meant.”
“No, that is not what I meant. It is what you wanted to hear, maybe. It is what you wanted to believe.”
You have the basic idea, yes? Maybe you’ve had that dialog with different words.
Returning to the track, my thinking out loud about anger, I again acknowledge that I am angry. Fortunately, the anger has not permanent residence, here. It blows in, like a sneaky wind missing the normal comfort of a cool breeze on a hot day. My anger is inward, and shows up on the outside with slight sarcasm, or less-than-kind comment, or an occasional scream of anguish … “AAAAUUUUUUGHHHHH!!”
“It’s not the big things that send a man to the mad house. Not a death in the family (one example). No, it’s the small things: the snap of the shoelace when there is no more time.”
Quote from Time Magazine I remember from about thirty years ago.
Anger rides my heart and soul about my depression that is always close by, but not always at sitting across from me. This anger steals my joy for a while, until I rally up and fight it off. This anger distorts my thinking / perception, long enough to take me off the path for a bit. There has been a tragedy; and maybe I would say that is a small tragedy. By the way: is that an oxymoron? ‘Never liked that word: the word “ox” combined with the word “moron”. Both have negative connotations, for me at least.
This tragedy … it happened a long time ago (thirty years or so?) Like the depression, I fight this tragedy’s threat to derail my life. It was the tragedy of minimizing hope; embracing more isolation than what was healthy; forsaking visions and dreams. Fortunately, the older I become I experience the piercing awareness that I have to fight it, and that I don’t have to settle for it. There is far more to this life than the psychological hoodlums lurking outside. I am a fighter, just like you. I have to tap that truth, and live with the hide of a Rhino, and the heart of a dove.